super fun sick day post

so right now, in this moment, there is a fat 20-something in a red osu hoodie with a ponytail outside my window, on his balcony screaming in the phone trying to justify his douchey behavior for being a shitty friend.

also, right now, in this moment i have a killer headache from this gnarly cold i have. his loud pleading screams of redemption are not helping.

dear fat dude outside my window throwing a tantrum on the phone,
fuck you. your man ponytail looks stupid. you are a whiney bitch. i hate you.

sincerely,
your neighbor that you don't know, and if he sees you outside walking or parking your car will never introduce himself to you,
justin ray stanley

p.s. i see you're wearing corona pajama pants, therefore i hate you more.


on a much nicer note, these are my new boyfriends that have been helping me through these trying times. i'd like to introduce them to you....

dayquil

oh fuck dayquil, you make all the pain go away, even if it's just for a little bit, i still love you for it dayquil. you are so beautiful and when i hold you up to the light and look through you, you make everything dreamy and orange and i forget all my woes. whenever i'm in pain and hungry for a threeway, i know i can just pop you and your roommate out of your little house to shoot the shit and get down for some serious oral action. so easy to swallow. thank you dayquil.

cold-eZe

oh fuck cold-eZe, you're kind of a mystery to me, but whoa cold-eZe. you kind of blow my mind. when i feel the hurt coming on, i just undo your little wrapper and go down on you and your multi-flavored goodness just melts away the hurt i feel. there's something magic about you. i don't know what i'd do without you.

airbourne

oh man, airborne. i have no idea what i'd be feeling like right now if it wasn't for you. you're like the really great boyfriend always working in the background making my life better by doing things like unloading the dishwasher and making sure i never run out of soy milk. you're my rock airborne, providing me with a stability i rarely have known. i love you airborne.

hot tea

and then there's you, hot tea. man. we've been lovers for a long time haven't we? sometimes it takes a really nasty cold just to remember how much you to mean to me. you are the light at the end of my long disgusting mucousy tunnel. i will always love you first.

neti pot

and last but not least, there's you, neti pot. your dirty work provides me with the incredible instant gratification that no one else can give me. you're a little kinky neti pot, but that's what makes our love so pure. without you neti, i could never as deeply abort the mucous babies that patrick's ill kisses have bestowed open me. you may not be the father, but the abortions you provide are still just as satisfying. oh neti, i love you.

aww.
I don't know what i'd do without you guys.