scaredy hermit strikes back

i'm so scared that this is it.
like i'm not unhappy, but everything's so middle of the road or up in the air.
i just don't know what's going to happen or if anythings going to happen.
i hate the before part. the waiting part.
will things get better? will i be happy? do i talk in cliches? is this what everyone else is thinking?

how will i pay that fucking gas bill? what if the gas gets shut off? when will i get the fuck out of this shithole of an apartment? what's going to come of me and patrick? what's going to come of me and edward?

i hate all this wondering and waiting. i wish patrick would have called. i wish edward weren't sleeping right now. if they weren't doing those things, i don't even know what i would say to them or what i would want them to say to me. i just want some kind of clue or idea or maybe even hope. i'm sick of coming up with everything. doing all the talking. pulling all the tricks out of my ass. when will someone else make the effort and offer me some words? when will someone make it all better for me? who is that person and where the fuck are they? where's my check or my house? my babies? my 401k? where is my life? what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing here?
it's almost 6am. i'm tired. i'm not sleepy. i smell a little like puke.


i got distracted and now i have came back to this little window.
i feel better now, but i've decided i hate my peers.

BOOZE. FUCK. POT. COKE. FUCK. SMOKE. EAT. FUCK. STEAL. and go to college. and talk about college.

that's what my peers do.

i want sober intellectual meaningful conversations. i want art collaborations. i want dinner parties. i want sober kisses.

i don't want to be bitching about this in my words and for these things i say i want to be happening in real time action.

i want to have a conversation with someone and i want that conversation to make me feel loved. and when i leave that conversation i want to feel alive. and not a zombie. because i am not a zombie.

i am a real boy with thoughts and feelings and i will not let myself become stale and super-hermit-introvert-deluxe. i will do something. i will take action.

i will because i have to.