i've been lost in la la land. there's so much so snow. so much white every where. almost up to my knees. covering my car. covering it so much, i can't even use it. it just sits there and looks at me all pretty. hi justin. would you like to get in me and go get some brunch while listening to white people on npr? well you can't, because of all this snow. sucks to be you.
i just got back from atlanta. it was a nice time. got to see my boyfriend. and my boyfriend's boyfriend. and my boyfriend's boyfriend's boyfriend. and their boyfriend. and then their dog that has a dog boyfriend.
i am back in the safety and comfort of my own bed recouping and in pretty good spirits.
i've been neglecting the words in my head with all this busyness, so i decided to write some today and to also stop by here and leave a few words since it's kind of been a minute.
i've been providing myself all kinds of distractions lately. new toys, boys, internets, food, fluff books. that's a winter thing to do though? comfort and instant gratification? i kind of associate these sorts of indulgences with this idea of hibernation, but i don't want to feel stuck in it. if i get stuck i feel like i will:
- become fat.
- become stale and boring.
- get out of touch with things i love (more than i am already).
oh no, you know what i did do? you know what i did that i shouldn't have done, that is probably so stupid of me and the biggest black hole void of time that sucks your life away from you all dry and quiet?
i revived my fucking world of warcraft account. i fucking did it. i fucking did it. everyone else was. i sat. i watched. nostalgia trickled in. fond memories of my pet lion iggy. instant death to my advisories. no mercy. shopping excursions in the auction house. secret crushes on the dudes that are probably younger then me that i play with.
fuck.
oh well. it's winter right? its winter.
time to call work soon and tell them my car is stuck. if i don't end up going in, i should go get some breakfast.
mmmm. who wants to take me out for breakfast?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
there's a ghost in my house
it had been more or less two years since that last time matthew saw or heard from jillian. matthew had moved on in his life but he couldn't help coming back to jillian from time to time. it was something that had never been completely resolved for him. he was never allowed to make peace. there was never any nice words over coffee or even the idea of coffee. there was just no coffee.
sometimes the jillian moments had no time or place and then other times they would plague matthew, usually in the early morning when he tended to write alone.
through the grapevine matthew had heard that jillian met a man. a good man. a man that was probably much better suited for her. matthew always kind of wished he could congratulate jillian and tell her how happy he was for her and that his own life have improved and that they should all have dinner sometime and watch a movie because it would seem like the right thing to do. maybe they could become couple friends and go on vacations together or go shopping and then go to applebee's after.
matthew knew better. it didn't stop him from thinking about it though.
jillian had become a ghost to him. a ghost that is probably not even really jillian. probably more of a concept of jillian. something matthew still wanted in his life that he felt was no longer there. regardless of of matthew's realization of of the nowhere-ness of these particular thoughts, he was still haunted by the ghost of jillian.
he wondered if she would ever go away or if he even wanted her to.
sometimes he even thought about running into her at the mall or the bookstore that matthew works at and wondered, what they would would even say to each other. would there even be anything to say?
on further consideration of this matthew thought it best if nothing was said. a kind smile, a nod, a wave.
matthew found peace in that thought and then jillian's ghost disappeared, at least for that moment.
after reflecting for a moment matthew got up and started his day.
sometimes the jillian moments had no time or place and then other times they would plague matthew, usually in the early morning when he tended to write alone.
through the grapevine matthew had heard that jillian met a man. a good man. a man that was probably much better suited for her. matthew always kind of wished he could congratulate jillian and tell her how happy he was for her and that his own life have improved and that they should all have dinner sometime and watch a movie because it would seem like the right thing to do. maybe they could become couple friends and go on vacations together or go shopping and then go to applebee's after.
matthew knew better. it didn't stop him from thinking about it though.
jillian had become a ghost to him. a ghost that is probably not even really jillian. probably more of a concept of jillian. something matthew still wanted in his life that he felt was no longer there. regardless of of matthew's realization of of the nowhere-ness of these particular thoughts, he was still haunted by the ghost of jillian.
he wondered if she would ever go away or if he even wanted her to.
sometimes he even thought about running into her at the mall or the bookstore that matthew works at and wondered, what they would would even say to each other. would there even be anything to say?
on further consideration of this matthew thought it best if nothing was said. a kind smile, a nod, a wave.
matthew found peace in that thought and then jillian's ghost disappeared, at least for that moment.
after reflecting for a moment matthew got up and started his day.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
scaredy hermit strikes back
i'm so scared that this is it.
like i'm not unhappy, but everything's so middle of the road or up in the air.
i just don't know what's going to happen or if anythings going to happen.
i hate the before part. the waiting part.
will things get better? will i be happy? do i talk in cliches? is this what everyone else is thinking?
how will i pay that fucking gas bill? what if the gas gets shut off? when will i get the fuck out of this shithole of an apartment? what's going to come of me and patrick? what's going to come of me and edward?
i hate all this wondering and waiting. i wish patrick would have called. i wish edward weren't sleeping right now. if they weren't doing those things, i don't even know what i would say to them or what i would want them to say to me. i just want some kind of clue or idea or maybe even hope. i'm sick of coming up with everything. doing all the talking. pulling all the tricks out of my ass. when will someone else make the effort and offer me some words? when will someone make it all better for me? who is that person and where the fuck are they? where's my check or my house? my babies? my 401k? where is my life? what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing here?
it's almost 6am. i'm tired. i'm not sleepy. i smell a little like puke.
i got distracted and now i have came back to this little window.
i feel better now, but i've decided i hate my peers.
BOOZE. FUCK. POT. COKE. FUCK. SMOKE. EAT. FUCK. STEAL. and go to college. and talk about college.
that's what my peers do.
i want sober intellectual meaningful conversations. i want art collaborations. i want dinner parties. i want sober kisses.
i don't want to be bitching about this in my words and for these things i say i want to be happening in real time action.
i want to have a conversation with someone and i want that conversation to make me feel loved. and when i leave that conversation i want to feel alive. and not a zombie. because i am not a zombie.
i am a real boy with thoughts and feelings and i will not let myself become stale and super-hermit-introvert-deluxe. i will do something. i will take action.
i will because i have to.
like i'm not unhappy, but everything's so middle of the road or up in the air.
i just don't know what's going to happen or if anythings going to happen.
i hate the before part. the waiting part.
will things get better? will i be happy? do i talk in cliches? is this what everyone else is thinking?
how will i pay that fucking gas bill? what if the gas gets shut off? when will i get the fuck out of this shithole of an apartment? what's going to come of me and patrick? what's going to come of me and edward?
i hate all this wondering and waiting. i wish patrick would have called. i wish edward weren't sleeping right now. if they weren't doing those things, i don't even know what i would say to them or what i would want them to say to me. i just want some kind of clue or idea or maybe even hope. i'm sick of coming up with everything. doing all the talking. pulling all the tricks out of my ass. when will someone else make the effort and offer me some words? when will someone make it all better for me? who is that person and where the fuck are they? where's my check or my house? my babies? my 401k? where is my life? what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing?
what am i doing here?
it's almost 6am. i'm tired. i'm not sleepy. i smell a little like puke.
i got distracted and now i have came back to this little window.
i feel better now, but i've decided i hate my peers.
BOOZE. FUCK. POT. COKE. FUCK. SMOKE. EAT. FUCK. STEAL. and go to college. and talk about college.
that's what my peers do.
i want sober intellectual meaningful conversations. i want art collaborations. i want dinner parties. i want sober kisses.
i don't want to be bitching about this in my words and for these things i say i want to be happening in real time action.
i want to have a conversation with someone and i want that conversation to make me feel loved. and when i leave that conversation i want to feel alive. and not a zombie. because i am not a zombie.
i am a real boy with thoughts and feelings and i will not let myself become stale and super-hermit-introvert-deluxe. i will do something. i will take action.
i will because i have to.
Monday, January 21, 2008
i took a shit at barnes and nobles
i pooped at barnes and nobles today. it was pretty tough to get over my shy-colon. since i was in the handicapped stall people kept jiggling the door handle, it was nerve wracking. and this guy with with some nike dunk's on was taking this loud gnarly shit right next to me.
usually i tried to focus on going when someone was washing their hands. it was like the sound of the running water somehow gave me more privacy. when i finally got out of there since i left in such a hurry, i wasn't sure if i flushed the toilet or not. i hope i did. or maybe i didn't need to because the seats were automatic. i hope they were automatic.
melissa marrara leaves tomorrow for florida. i hope she gets in a really shitty fight with her sister and moves back to columbus. i mean, ultimately i would want them to make up, but i need them to just temporarily hate each other long enough to bring mel back to me.
it just isn't fair.
shits at barnes and noble. best friends moving to florida. thinking that eating at a cici's pizza buffet was a good idea. finding out that i shared a slurpee with someone who has oral herpes. i think god is trying to send me a message or something.
what did i do to deserve this?
usually i tried to focus on going when someone was washing their hands. it was like the sound of the running water somehow gave me more privacy. when i finally got out of there since i left in such a hurry, i wasn't sure if i flushed the toilet or not. i hope i did. or maybe i didn't need to because the seats were automatic. i hope they were automatic.
melissa marrara leaves tomorrow for florida. i hope she gets in a really shitty fight with her sister and moves back to columbus. i mean, ultimately i would want them to make up, but i need them to just temporarily hate each other long enough to bring mel back to me.
it just isn't fair.
shits at barnes and noble. best friends moving to florida. thinking that eating at a cici's pizza buffet was a good idea. finding out that i shared a slurpee with someone who has oral herpes. i think god is trying to send me a message or something.
what did i do to deserve this?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
william weggman is probably a republican
i have 15 minutes to say something
15 minutes before a shit and a shower
that's a little bit of pressure but i think i can do it
i have lost my humanity
i am just a boy who works at a used bookstore
i am ache and puke and hurt
i want to sleep all day and not answer the phone
i want to think about other things that aren't books or
books on display or tacky cheap shit that people buy with their books
i am super-hermit
i love you but i will probably not talk to you
i am the working man shut-in
i support senator mike gravel in the democratic party primaries
but he will not win
i support ron paul in the republican party primaries
but he will not win either
5 minutes.
everyones so blah lately. does anyone want to go see the william weggman exhibit at the wexner center with me this weekend? i hope i feel like i'm surrounded by giant greeting cards. i like that breed of dog he uses. i forget what their called though. and i probably couldn't even spell it.
2 minutes.
2 days till i get some time off. fuck, i'm going to sleep forever the first day. even when i'm not tired i'll make myself lay there. it will be amazing and unproductive and exactly what i need.
times up.
shower and a shit.
take it easy.
15 minutes before a shit and a shower
that's a little bit of pressure but i think i can do it
i have lost my humanity
i am just a boy who works at a used bookstore
i am ache and puke and hurt
i want to sleep all day and not answer the phone
i want to think about other things that aren't books or
books on display or tacky cheap shit that people buy with their books
i am super-hermit
i love you but i will probably not talk to you
i am the working man shut-in
i support senator mike gravel in the democratic party primaries
but he will not win
i support ron paul in the republican party primaries
but he will not win either
5 minutes.
everyones so blah lately. does anyone want to go see the william weggman exhibit at the wexner center with me this weekend? i hope i feel like i'm surrounded by giant greeting cards. i like that breed of dog he uses. i forget what their called though. and i probably couldn't even spell it.
2 minutes.
2 days till i get some time off. fuck, i'm going to sleep forever the first day. even when i'm not tired i'll make myself lay there. it will be amazing and unproductive and exactly what i need.
times up.
shower and a shit.
take it easy.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
im scared: first time visitors please read me
so i have finally made the top secret experimental blog public information, by posting the link on various internet things of mine. this means more people i know will be reading this. it's kind of weird and scary but this is the direction i want to go in.
although, i would like people who know me, who don't know about this place to understand some things. this is basically my mental playground. i write exactly what i'm thinking/feeling right in the moment that it occurs without processing what i will be thinking/feeling in the next moments, and i usually don't follow anything up. often the things i write about are not directly involved in actuality, so if something i write here make you concerned, i'm probably okay. don't worry about it.
this started out as an experimental blog that i didn't share with very many people where i attempted to voice things i couldn't say out loud. i often use my inner voice as a medium to create many things i do, but it's never actually been the form itself and i thought that would be interesting. it's actually been kind of a great self exploration tool, but it's kind of evolving into something else, like a real blog of sorts. i still want it to be a place of rawness and confessions, and a place where it's okay to be irrational and honest with myself, but i would like to mix it up a little too.
the blog itself isn't very cohesive about my life and the order of things happening in it, it kind of makes me look like a sad sack with a lot of relationship problems. which isn't really that true. i'm pretty happy. if you have and questions or develop any curiosities about me, ask me and i'll post answers on here. i would like that actually.
if you read this, and are reading this right now, tell me so. tell me what you're thinking, how your week has been, if you have any new years resolutions, and what music you've been listening the most to lately. i would like to know these things.
also send me a picture. of yourself or anything really. just do it. it'll be fun. i promise.
although, i would like people who know me, who don't know about this place to understand some things. this is basically my mental playground. i write exactly what i'm thinking/feeling right in the moment that it occurs without processing what i will be thinking/feeling in the next moments, and i usually don't follow anything up. often the things i write about are not directly involved in actuality, so if something i write here make you concerned, i'm probably okay. don't worry about it.
this started out as an experimental blog that i didn't share with very many people where i attempted to voice things i couldn't say out loud. i often use my inner voice as a medium to create many things i do, but it's never actually been the form itself and i thought that would be interesting. it's actually been kind of a great self exploration tool, but it's kind of evolving into something else, like a real blog of sorts. i still want it to be a place of rawness and confessions, and a place where it's okay to be irrational and honest with myself, but i would like to mix it up a little too.
the blog itself isn't very cohesive about my life and the order of things happening in it, it kind of makes me look like a sad sack with a lot of relationship problems. which isn't really that true. i'm pretty happy. if you have and questions or develop any curiosities about me, ask me and i'll post answers on here. i would like that actually.
if you read this, and are reading this right now, tell me so. tell me what you're thinking, how your week has been, if you have any new years resolutions, and what music you've been listening the most to lately. i would like to know these things.
also send me a picture. of yourself or anything really. just do it. it'll be fun. i promise.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
super fun sick day post
so right now, in this moment, there is a fat 20-something in a red osu hoodie with a ponytail outside my window, on his balcony screaming in the phone trying to justify his douchey behavior for being a shitty friend.
also, right now, in this moment i have a killer headache from this gnarly cold i have. his loud pleading screams of redemption are not helping.
dear fat dude outside my window throwing a tantrum on the phone,
fuck you. your man ponytail looks stupid. you are a whiney bitch. i hate you.
sincerely,
your neighbor that you don't know, and if he sees you outside walking or parking your car will never introduce himself to you,
justin ray stanley
p.s. i see you're wearing corona pajama pants, therefore i hate you more.
on a much nicer note, these are my new boyfriends that have been helping me through these trying times. i'd like to introduce them to you....
dayquil
oh fuck dayquil, you make all the pain go away, even if it's just for a little bit, i still love you for it dayquil. you are so beautiful and when i hold you up to the light and look through you, you make everything dreamy and orange and i forget all my woes. whenever i'm in pain and hungry for a threeway, i know i can just pop you and your roommate out of your little house to shoot the shit and get down for some serious oral action. so easy to swallow. thank you dayquil.
cold-eZe
oh fuck cold-eZe, you're kind of a mystery to me, but whoa cold-eZe. you kind of blow my mind. when i feel the hurt coming on, i just undo your little wrapper and go down on you and your multi-flavored goodness just melts away the hurt i feel. there's something magic about you. i don't know what i'd do without you.
airbourne
oh man, airborne. i have no idea what i'd be feeling like right now if it wasn't for you. you're like the really great boyfriend always working in the background making my life better by doing things like unloading the dishwasher and making sure i never run out of soy milk. you're my rock airborne, providing me with a stability i rarely have known. i love you airborne.
hot tea
and then there's you, hot tea. man. we've been lovers for a long time haven't we? sometimes it takes a really nasty cold just to remember how much you to mean to me. you are the light at the end of my long disgusting mucousy tunnel. i will always love you first.
neti pot
and last but not least, there's you, neti pot. your dirty work provides me with the incredible instant gratification that no one else can give me. you're a little kinky neti pot, but that's what makes our love so pure. without you neti, i could never as deeply abort the mucous babies that patrick's ill kisses have bestowed open me. you may not be the father, but the abortions you provide are still just as satisfying. oh neti, i love you.
aww.
I don't know what i'd do without you guys.
also, right now, in this moment i have a killer headache from this gnarly cold i have. his loud pleading screams of redemption are not helping.
dear fat dude outside my window throwing a tantrum on the phone,
fuck you. your man ponytail looks stupid. you are a whiney bitch. i hate you.
sincerely,
your neighbor that you don't know, and if he sees you outside walking or parking your car will never introduce himself to you,
justin ray stanley
p.s. i see you're wearing corona pajama pants, therefore i hate you more.
oh fuck dayquil, you make all the pain go away, even if it's just for a little bit, i still love you for it dayquil. you are so beautiful and when i hold you up to the light and look through you, you make everything dreamy and orange and i forget all my woes. whenever i'm in pain and hungry for a threeway, i know i can just pop you and your roommate out of your little house to shoot the shit and get down for some serious oral action. so easy to swallow. thank you dayquil.
oh fuck cold-eZe, you're kind of a mystery to me, but whoa cold-eZe. you kind of blow my mind. when i feel the hurt coming on, i just undo your little wrapper and go down on you and your multi-flavored goodness just melts away the hurt i feel. there's something magic about you. i don't know what i'd do without you.
oh man, airborne. i have no idea what i'd be feeling like right now if it wasn't for you. you're like the really great boyfriend always working in the background making my life better by doing things like unloading the dishwasher and making sure i never run out of soy milk. you're my rock airborne, providing me with a stability i rarely have known. i love you airborne.
and then there's you, hot tea. man. we've been lovers for a long time haven't we? sometimes it takes a really nasty cold just to remember how much you to mean to me. you are the light at the end of my long disgusting mucousy tunnel. i will always love you first.
and last but not least, there's you, neti pot. your dirty work provides me with the incredible instant gratification that no one else can give me. you're a little kinky neti pot, but that's what makes our love so pure. without you neti, i could never as deeply abort the mucous babies that patrick's ill kisses have bestowed open me. you may not be the father, but the abortions you provide are still just as satisfying. oh neti, i love you.
aww.
I don't know what i'd do without you guys.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
don't let me go to taco bell for lunch
you're so cruel
but you probably don't even know it
and when you get back you'll just act like we're friends
and you'll tell me how fun the party was
and for the first little bit i'll be like a wall and try not to seem interested in you
i will try to resist you
but after a while i can't anymore
then i will want to touch you and be close to you
i fucking hate you
i am passive-aggressive
i am 5 years old
i want you to come home
but you probably don't even know it
and when you get back you'll just act like we're friends
and you'll tell me how fun the party was
and for the first little bit i'll be like a wall and try not to seem interested in you
i will try to resist you
but after a while i can't anymore
then i will want to touch you and be close to you
i fucking hate you
i am passive-aggressive
i am 5 years old
i want you to come home
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