LAN party

"I wish I could look at you right now."
"What would you say to me if you could?"
"I would tell you that I loved you and I've always loved you."
"I wish we could look at each other, so you could tell me."
"You make me want to be better, but I can never look at you to tell you this."


"I remember when I used to be able to look at other things. I would sometimes watch people's faces when they didn't know I was watching them. I never thought about it much before. I guess I took it for granted. If I could see you, I would tell you how beautiful you are."


"You can't see it, but I'm touching my face."


"Do you ever think we could break free and go back to how it was? I get so scared sometimes. If I could look over at you I would feel better about this whole situation."


"If I could look at you, I would look you right in the eyes, and I would tell you that it's all right and we're all here together."


"Maybe the music from this pretend to play guitar game will set us free."
"I fucking hate this song. Maybe if I learn to love it, the power of that love will shoot in the air like a laser beam and touch everyone of us and make everything alright again, like it was before."

FARRRRT

so i pretty much have two boyfriends now but i still kind of wonder about the first one
there's always something that makes me not fully comfortable or trusting with him
like, i'm totally fine now but is it weird how i often i wonder or think if he's fucking other people?
even though he's not. i just know he really wants to. but he doesn't know who they are yet. and it hasn't happened.
i just know, he wants to.

why is that so unsettling? like if i don't hear from him for a few days, in my head i'm like "who is he fucking?"
even though i really know it's no one.

as time goes on i feel like he wants less and less from me. i think this worried me once, but ive grown really comfortable and i don't know what means either.

also don't ask me about these entries. the link got out amongst people i know, and i guess people were taking it personally like i was writing about them, but i'm not. this is pretty much just my brain throwing up. initially it was a writing exercise. i don't know what it is anymore, but i'd still like to try to use it. i stopped writing in it because too many people found out about it and i got shy. hahaha. i wonder if since there was a lull in the writing that people who checked it got bored of checking it and won't come back?

is it safe yet? can i stop whispering? is it okay to talk about my sex? or the things i can't say out loud? or my irrational bullshit problems that aren't really problems? is it okay yet?

i changed the colors a little to inspire myself to use the space.

it's like switching out the sheets and cushions on the secret living room fort with my GI joe's and my stuffed dolphin inside that are there to protect me from people like you who read this.

i got a really nice camera for christmas so i think i'm going to start posting more pictures on here. liven things up a little, you know?

wouldn't that be nice?