LAN party

"I wish I could look at you right now."
"What would you say to me if you could?"
"I would tell you that I loved you and I've always loved you."
"I wish we could look at each other, so you could tell me."
"You make me want to be better, but I can never look at you to tell you this."


"I remember when I used to be able to look at other things. I would sometimes watch people's faces when they didn't know I was watching them. I never thought about it much before. I guess I took it for granted. If I could see you, I would tell you how beautiful you are."


"You can't see it, but I'm touching my face."


"Do you ever think we could break free and go back to how it was? I get so scared sometimes. If I could look over at you I would feel better about this whole situation."


"If I could look at you, I would look you right in the eyes, and I would tell you that it's all right and we're all here together."


"Maybe the music from this pretend to play guitar game will set us free."
"I fucking hate this song. Maybe if I learn to love it, the power of that love will shoot in the air like a laser beam and touch everyone of us and make everything alright again, like it was before."

FARRRRT

so i pretty much have two boyfriends now but i still kind of wonder about the first one
there's always something that makes me not fully comfortable or trusting with him
like, i'm totally fine now but is it weird how i often i wonder or think if he's fucking other people?
even though he's not. i just know he really wants to. but he doesn't know who they are yet. and it hasn't happened.
i just know, he wants to.

why is that so unsettling? like if i don't hear from him for a few days, in my head i'm like "who is he fucking?"
even though i really know it's no one.

as time goes on i feel like he wants less and less from me. i think this worried me once, but ive grown really comfortable and i don't know what means either.

also don't ask me about these entries. the link got out amongst people i know, and i guess people were taking it personally like i was writing about them, but i'm not. this is pretty much just my brain throwing up. initially it was a writing exercise. i don't know what it is anymore, but i'd still like to try to use it. i stopped writing in it because too many people found out about it and i got shy. hahaha. i wonder if since there was a lull in the writing that people who checked it got bored of checking it and won't come back?

is it safe yet? can i stop whispering? is it okay to talk about my sex? or the things i can't say out loud? or my irrational bullshit problems that aren't really problems? is it okay yet?

i changed the colors a little to inspire myself to use the space.

it's like switching out the sheets and cushions on the secret living room fort with my GI joe's and my stuffed dolphin inside that are there to protect me from people like you who read this.

i got a really nice camera for christmas so i think i'm going to start posting more pictures on here. liven things up a little, you know?

wouldn't that be nice?

ex-boyfriend beat

so remember when i was so lost and depressed and on so many drugs that i made you my imaginary boyfriend?
everything i had longed for or was experiencing in those days, i put your face on it.
this romantic concept of escape. sexual and artistic freedom. the drugs and the alcohol. shoplifting. selfishness. ego. the idea that i could create my own morality.
it was glorified self-destructive behavior and you were the face of it for me.

remember i even used to talk to you. in my head. when i think of it now, it was almost like prayer. me, desperately reaching out to this concept or idea of this person that's not even there, somehow wanting to be embraced by it.


i found the same copy of the book, with all your poems in it, i used to read religiously back then, that someone had eventually stolen from me. i have been reading it off and on for the past couple of days and all of this started coming back to the forefront of my head. at first i didn't think i could relate to you anymore. that i was over you arthur.

then i got to a season in hell and your letter to paul and i felt you seep in a little again. i felt your words but i heard then in a different way and i felt a little inspired. you're a little rambly and full of yourself at times mr. rimbaud, but perhaps i can use you again.

want to give this another go?

incomplete conversation's with myself that get ruined by your phone calls

Well, let's start with how you're feeling.

i'm not really sure. i guess kind of unhappy. melancholy? but doing okay, mostly? i don't know.

Why not?

i'm not really sure about that either. lack of medication. the weather. trying to control my emotions by neglecting the ones that flare up. i thought i was getting better actually, but i'm not even sure where i stand right now. at least not in this moment. and it's fucking stupid, because it's not even rooted in me as much as the way other people are making me feel. it's just all kind of happening at once. i'm sure i'll be fine once everything settles down, but right now i just feel lost in a sea of work/relationships/melancholy/stupid bullshit.

I'm sorry. What would you be doing to fix it if you weren't tied down to you obligations?

most people usually say some bullshit like "traveling" or something. i usually would too, but right now, due to whatever mood i'm in, i just think that answer's such a cop out. you can't travel away from your problems forever. i think it just makes it easier to put off. or you get so distant from them, you think you see them in a different way and then you just accept that. i don't know. i feel like this voice isn't making any sense right now.

But I do?

yes.

Why?

you are the voice of reason. you are my mother. you are the advice giver. you are the sage.

Then who are you?

i guess i'm confused directionless youngster who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and will adapt whatever convenient philosophy or way of life comes my way. or whatever kind makes sense to achieving what i really what. whatever fits i suppose.

What is it you really want?

love i guess. some kind of generic happiness bullshit? i guess to just have this giant void filled that i can't seem to kick. sometimes i just dress the wound better. but it drives me. this desire to fill it. i seek. i create. it's all in sacrifice to the void.

Do you think everyone has this same feeling?

i don't think so. something like it maybe. i don't meet many people like me. or maybe everyone just has a different size void to fill. or have different "void needs." maybe mine is just bigger. if my void was a setting on the dryer i think it might be 'medium-high'. maybe not. i don't want to start comparing void sizes or anything like that right now. "void envy." i don't need that in my life.

strangers at the bus stop

and after i do this for you, i will never get out of bed again. you might feel bad for a day or so, maybe a week, but you'll get over it soon enough.

i will start building a little fort around my mattress of all of my necessities so i never have to leave or talk to you ever again. i will only see the young man who brings me my groceries and i will look like this:

but you will never know this about me because i will not let you in.

i will always be warm, comfy and relaxed and my life will be so much better. it would have to be. i'll spend my days in books, porn, television game shows, records and fashion magazines and you will not be there. or anyone else who could fuck it or me up.

i will not get out of bed. i will not let you in. i will not take your calls. i will not be nice.

i will act like a child. i will be self destructive. i will eat what tastes good. i will speak poorly of you to your friends when i send them christmas cards.

you are stupid and i don't need you
and i will have control.
i will have control.
i will have control.


you: what is this all about?
me: ....
you: ....well?
me: JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE ME ALL THE TIME, IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T EXIST. I FEEL THINGS TOO!
you: what the hell are you talking about? that doesn't even make any sense. i don't understand.
me: YOU STARTED ALL OF THIS. YOU PARTICIPATED. YOU RETURNED EVERYTHING. YOU ASKED FOR MORE.
you: okay. wow. look, i'm sorry... but i still don't really follow. are you okay? can i do anything to make you feel better?
me: NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT. ACTUALLY, YES. YES YOU CAN. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. SHUT THE FUCK UP. LET'S ACT LIKE WE NEVER MET. WE'LL KEEP SITTING AT THE BUS STOP LIKE STRANGERS DO, WHO DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER. YOU CAN NOD, OR MAYBE SAY HELLO BUT WE ARE STRANGERS NOW. STRANGERS AT THE BUS STOP.
you: okay.
me: okay.
you: hello.
me: hi.

do the right thing

how do you feel about monogamy?
is it okay if i touch you?
even if i love someone else?
what if i started to love you too?
could you handle that?

is it scary or weird?
do you think i'm worth it?
could you handle this?

even though you know that i like you lots
if i was with someone else
and you knew that i was
would that be okay with you?
would you still think so fondly of me?
would you resent me and not saying anything?
or burn inside?

is it okay to do this to people who don't think like me?
is this cruel?
am i being naively cruel?

i'll try to be kind and considerate.
i promise you i will.

please just tell me
if this isn't working or if i'm fucking up

i'm trying my best. i really am.

the great validator in the sky

sometimes with new people i wonder. am i weird? am i too much?
especially if i'm lead to believe i can be "open."
how open is "open?"
do they really mean that?
what's the limit? can i even abide by a limit once i get started?
do i make people uncomfortable? should i try to be more conscious of this?
how often do i say the wrong thing? or share too much information?
how often do i ask questions i shouldn't ask?

sometimes in moments i feel like what i say or do is okay, but then later on in a different moment when i don't feel the same way, i feel remorse or shame and i wish i could take something back. i'll never admit it out loud. there's no point. once it's done, it's done. but sometimes i dwell and wish i could take something back.

i don't want to put social or mental restraints on myself but what if i am socially isolating myself when i'm trying to be who i want to be?

i wish there was this official sort of great validator that i could go to and run these things by. it'd be nice to go see the great validator in his great validating office, sit in his big comfy validating client chair, snacking from his antique validating candy dish, probably with worthers orginals in it. we'd chit chat for a bit and then he'd look at me and he'd say

"Justin, just let your freak flag fly."
and i'd be all like
"word great validator. word."

because in my head. that's exactly what the great validator would say.
if the great validator of my head thinks i'm okay, maybe i'm alright after all.

a call to arms

i don't feel lonely in this moment.
i'm not sad or anything like that.
more than anything i just want to feel a connection.

if you read this, or have seen this, let me know some how.

i want to know in your own voice:

what does god look like?

what's your favorite song and why do you like it?

when someone kisses you, and means it, and you kiss them, and mean it, do you ever see things in your mind? or imagine things? what are you feeling when it happens?

what makes you scared? not like spiders or the dark, but like something on the inside like not knowing where you go when you die or the person you love the most leaving you or maybe when they die.


when you think of a moment in time where you are the happiest, what is happening? how does your body feel in this moment? does it feel different then when your body feels other times?


i want to feel inspired in a real way. if you're looking at this and feel like you want to feel like this too, i want to hear from you. i want secret penpals who share romantic secrets and unspeakable thoughts and the flaws you know you have but can never say out loud. i want to hear all of it.

what do you sing when you do laundry? do you ever sing when you're alone even? what's your favorite thing to do when you're alone that you could never do if someone else was there? and if you were caught or found out, you would just die.

do you believe in magic? what kind? have you ever seen anything you thought was magical? do you want to be magical? if you were, what would you do?

these are the things i need to know so badly. i wish i could ask people these sorts of things all the time but most people are put off my any sort of realness and if you ask them anything like this out loud you are percieved as weird or crazy and you never get anything out of it anyway.

if you want this, or if you need this. this dialogue. or a connection. i want you to call me or im me or email me. i want to hear what you have to say.

i want to feel inspired in such a real way that i can't do it alone.

prize fuckers

right now
in this moment
he's on his way to receving a blowjob
from someone he's not even attracted to
to win a prize

when you write it out like that
and see the words like that
right in front of you
on the page

doesn't it seem fucking stupid?

i'm all for free love but
i'm not sure how i feel about
empty free love.

sex isn't love i suppose
but isn't the act of sex why we even feel love?
the love i have for the person i love more than anything,
are those feelings related to sex?

i just hope he's happy.
i can live with it if he's happy.

ban marriage

is it wrong to want to fuck your friends?
not even fuck, but to just kiss
or like
full around?

if i was like,
"hey matt, is it alright if we makeout?"
is that okay?

it's weird because usually that's the farthest thing from my mind
but sometimes
when i catch a smile
or something makes me laugh
i just want to really own that moment with a kiss,
because what could make a moment better?

is it alright to be with someone for just a moment?
like, ask someone out but only mean it for that moment
and when that moments over you can go back to
how it was before the moment?

would that be better?
i almost think it would.

coupledom is stupid.

on facebook

so i thought we agreed to be in an open relationship and just not call each other "boyfriends?" i thought we were in your room and around the same time changed out status to *BLANK*.
not "in a relationship," but not "single" either. so why does yours say single now?
did you backwards break up with me and end our title-less open relationship?
did you never do it, but pretend to?
is it against what we are if i care that you didn't do this too?
is it important to me? not espeically, but i thought we were in your room, and we talked about this, and did this together.

together.
isn't that the point?

stuck at the atlanta airport

Atlanta was surprisingly a good time. Patrick and I have sort of found an “us” again, and for now it seems pretty good. Forcing yourself to write at the airport is kind of hard. There’s so much going on. I just want to watch everybody. Also, the wifi is $8!!! That’s fucking retarded. This trip has kind of fucked me a little in the wallet, but not so bad I can’t recover or anything. Just till payday.

We met this crazy lady named Jamie, during the run of our experience with her she was really cool, but I feel like there might be something toxic about her. I’m just not sure. Perhaps she’s just really needy. Or neither. Maybe I’m just an asshole. I liked our moment with her a lot though. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again? I really hope so. Also, I don’t think she’s toxic anymore. Just eccentric and lonely. Like me sometimes.

The airport makes me feel like I have sunglasses on. There’s something about it that’s kind of surreal.

TSA is kind of ridiculous. They don’t feel me up and check my bags anymore though. That was kind of nice.

For some reason the airport makes me think of Eddie. Forever Eddie. I wonder if I ever end up in his thoughts like he ends up in mine? I wish he wouldn’t close himself off to me. I wonder if he’ll ever seek me out? At this point it seems unlikely, but who knows.

Do you think of me?
Like I think of you?
Do I ever make cameo’s in your dreams too?

It’ weird how I forced you out
And now I’m the one who still
Wants to connect and make
It all better. I hope that
You are okay.
Too bad I can’t call somebody
And they can just tell me if you are,
Since you won’t.

**1-800-eddie-hall**
“is eddie okay?”
“oh, yes. He just got a dog.”
“oh really? What’s his dogs name?”
“Fernando. He’s a welsh corgi. He’s red and white. Eddie found him at the shelter.”
“is eddie ever lonely? Is that why he got the dog?”
“sometimes, but he’s mostly okay. He’s really happy with Fernando.”
“does he ever mention me?”
“sometimes, but it’s all kind of in passing. Like distant memories.”
“this is sort of weird, I think I’m going to go.”
“alright, thanks for calling!”
“bye.”
“bye.”

Sitting in the airport is lonely with the hidden camera’s as my soundtrack. I’m thinking about paying the $8 for internet. Which outside of being lonely I think is fucking stupid.

No one looks very happy. Mostly bored or in a hurry. Also no one looks very interesting. I saw one guy lost in his notebook when I first got here, but he disappeared.

I think it’s time to explore.
Flight departs at 9:25pm
It is now 6:39pm