incomplete conversation's with myself that get ruined by your phone calls

Well, let's start with how you're feeling.

i'm not really sure. i guess kind of unhappy. melancholy? but doing okay, mostly? i don't know.

Why not?

i'm not really sure about that either. lack of medication. the weather. trying to control my emotions by neglecting the ones that flare up. i thought i was getting better actually, but i'm not even sure where i stand right now. at least not in this moment. and it's fucking stupid, because it's not even rooted in me as much as the way other people are making me feel. it's just all kind of happening at once. i'm sure i'll be fine once everything settles down, but right now i just feel lost in a sea of work/relationships/melancholy/stupid bullshit.

I'm sorry. What would you be doing to fix it if you weren't tied down to you obligations?

most people usually say some bullshit like "traveling" or something. i usually would too, but right now, due to whatever mood i'm in, i just think that answer's such a cop out. you can't travel away from your problems forever. i think it just makes it easier to put off. or you get so distant from them, you think you see them in a different way and then you just accept that. i don't know. i feel like this voice isn't making any sense right now.

But I do?

yes.

Why?

you are the voice of reason. you are my mother. you are the advice giver. you are the sage.

Then who are you?

i guess i'm confused directionless youngster who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing and will adapt whatever convenient philosophy or way of life comes my way. or whatever kind makes sense to achieving what i really what. whatever fits i suppose.

What is it you really want?

love i guess. some kind of generic happiness bullshit? i guess to just have this giant void filled that i can't seem to kick. sometimes i just dress the wound better. but it drives me. this desire to fill it. i seek. i create. it's all in sacrifice to the void.

Do you think everyone has this same feeling?

i don't think so. something like it maybe. i don't meet many people like me. or maybe everyone just has a different size void to fill. or have different "void needs." maybe mine is just bigger. if my void was a setting on the dryer i think it might be 'medium-high'. maybe not. i don't want to start comparing void sizes or anything like that right now. "void envy." i don't need that in my life.